Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Jon back. Sorry, this isn't directly a post about Kyle.

In my last post, I mentioned getting off Zoloft. I said there were withdrawal symptoms, although I didn't really feel them. That was only part of the story.

I lost my temper the other night. It wasn't something that was a huge deal, but I screamed like a madman, ranted, raved - I completely lost it. My anger was uncontrollable. I could have easily posed a physical danger to Karen, or Kyle, or one of the other kids. At the time I felt nothing was wrong, that it was perfectly normal behavior. In fact, it's the first time in my life I can say I really had no control over my behavior. It just happened, and was the most normal and natural thing at the time.

I have always considered people who claim they had no control over an action either liars, or too weak to really try. This opened my eyes to the fact that this could have happened to me. Had I been angry enough to commit homicide, it would have seemed a perfectly natural thing to do. In my case, it was a minor thing that set me off, but it was a MAJOR blow up.

Folks, this is some serious stuff. It's "only" an antidepressant, and it's a very mild dose. Yet the ramifications of not taking it were HUGE.

I am going to get back on it, and stay on it for probably at least a year. When I get off it will be with a doctor's supervision. Frankly, I am a more pleasant person to be around when I'm on the drug, and I want my family to be happy. But it does make me uneasy. Of course once I'm on it again I'll think it's wonderful...

Sorry about the detour. Next post will be about Kyle.

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