Sunday, August 31, 2003

Kyle's mom here. It has been next to impossible for me to write anything. My heart is broken with Kyle gone. His work called today because he hadn't shown up. I imagined the worst. Then when I was about to take our girls to the park with a friend he showed up. I turned him away and asked him about work. He said he just got there late. I am frustrated. He was very manic when he came home on Friday and I wouldn't give him a ride. I don't know if Jon had written that he let a girl shave his hair off. HIs sisters told me that he looked scarey. When I was working yesterday he came home and our oldest daughter yelled not to let him in. Our neighbor called her daughter home. Then today she told me that she didn't know the story and thought he might be violent. I didn't tell her that he is bipolar. I feel bad because I can't explain Kyle. It is hard to explain that there are so many sides to him. He can be singing Christian songs and loving Jesus. But ten minutes later he might be smoking pot in our garage. He would never hurt anyone's feelings. And yet he is my only child who has screamed at me that he hates me.

I want him safe but I want our whole family to be safe, too. I want him to take his pills but I can't fight him every day about it.

I want to learn about manic depression and yet the more I learn the more confused I am. How can he have no willpower over marijuana and yet give up swearing, pop, sugar. and candy for two years. How can he run two marathons and work harder that anyone I know, and yet be willing to work at a sandwich shop for minimum wage?

I am praying for him constantly. And yet I am relieved he is not here abusing himself.

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